How to Overcome Internalized Homophobia: Reclaiming Your Story and Your Self

There’s no one right way to be gay, queer, or anywhere within the LGBTQ+ spectrum.

But for many LGBTQ+ people, including gay men, there’s a quiet, private struggle that can take years to name: internalized homophobia. It can shape how you see yourself, relate to others, and move through the world, often without you even realizing it.

If you’ve ever felt shame about your identity, hidden parts of yourself even in safe spaces, or found yourself shrinking to fit expectations, this experience may resonate.

I’m Dr. Wayne Bullock, a gay psychologist in Washington, DC. I’ve worked with LGBTQ+ individuals and gay men for close to two decades, and I know how painful and isolating internalized homophobia can feel. I also know this truth: you can unlearn it. You can loosen the grip of old messages and write a story that belongs fully and unapologetically to you.

This article will help you understand what internalized homophobia is, how to identify it, and how you can begin moving toward healing. You can also learn more about my approach to therapy for gay men and LGBTQ+ counseling if you’d like more support.

What Is Internalized Homophobia?

Internalized homophobia describes the often unseen way that societal shame and fear about queerness become woven into your inner world.

You weren’t born with these beliefs. You likely absorbed them from family, religion, peers, media, or simply the absence of queer representation. Many LGBTQ+ people grow up without mirrors reflecting back that they’re whole, acceptable, and loved exactly as they are. That lack leaves a mark.

Internalized homophobia often works quietly beneath the surface, shaping how you think, feel, and relate without you fully realizing it. And because it’s internal, people tend to blame themselves instead of recognizing the environment that taught them to hide.

Common Signs of Internalized Homophobia

People experience internalized homophobia in different ways, however here are some common signs:

• Feeling shame about your sexual orientation

• Believing you’re too much or not enough

• Difficulty connecting emotionally with other men

• Fear of being too gay, too feminine, or not masculine enough

• Avoiding LGBTQ+ communities or relationships

• Anxiety or discomfort with dating, intimacy, or sex

• Critical self talk about your appearance or attraction

• A vague sense that something about you is wrong, even if you can’t name it

For some gay men, this shows up as striving for perfection, overachieving, or performing confidence while feeling profoundly alone. For others, it might appear as hesitancy to pursue relationships, discomfort with affection, or cycles of closeness and withdrawal.

Recognizing these signs isn’t about judgment. It’s about awareness. Awareness is the first step toward healing.

How Internalized Homophobia Forms

Internalized homophobia doesn’t appear out of nowhere. It often grows from things like:

• Family or community messages about acceptable gender or sexuality

• Religious or cultural teachings

• Bullying, rejection, or trauma

• A lack of LGBTQ+ role models

• Rigid expectations of masculinity

• Stories you absorbed long before you had words for yourself

These experiences leave emotional footprints. When you’ve spent years adapting or hiding to protect yourself, it makes sense that unlearning those patterns takes time and compassion.

How to Overcome Internalized Homophobia

Healing internalized homophobia isn’t about flipping a switch. It’s a process rooted in curiosity, reflection, and connection. These steps can help you move toward freedom and self acceptance.

1. Get Curious About Your Story

Internalized homophobia thrives in silence and shame. Bringing gentle curiosity to your experience helps loosen its hold.

Ask yourself:

• Where did I first learn that something was wrong with being gay?

• Whose voice is that in my head, mine or someone else’s?

• What parts of myself have I hidden to feel safe?

You may discover that the beliefs you carry aren’t yours. They were handed to you, often by people who were afraid themselves. Curiosity helps you separate your truth from other people’s expectations.

2. Notice Your Internal Dialogue

Internalized homophobia often appears as a harsh inner critic:

• I shouldn’t feel this way

• I’m not gay enough

• I’m too much

• Real men don’t do that

Start paying attention to these moments. You don’t need to change them right away. Simply noticing them is an act of self awareness. Once you recognize the pattern, you have more freedom to question it.

3. Reconnect with Your Emotions

Growing up queer in a world that can feel unsafe often teaches you to split off parts of yourself such as longing, affection, vulnerability, and desire. In time, those emotional walls can make it difficult to form meaningful relationships.

Giving yourself permission to feel can be one of the most powerful steps you take. This might look like:

• Letting yourself cry or express anger

• Naming emotions instead of pushing them away

• Listening to what you truly want instead of what you think you should want

Your feelings aren’t weaknesses. They’re signals that help you move toward your authentic self.

4. Challenge Culturally Imposed Ideals of Masculinity

Many gay men absorb messages about how men should behave, like being strong, stoic, unemotional, or dominant. When those expectations collide with queerness, shame can deepen.

But the truth is there’s no one way to be a man. And there’s definitely no one way to be a gay man.

Part of healing is redefining masculinity on your own terms and letting go of the exhausting work of performing someone else’s version of it.

5. Seek Community and Connection

Internalized homophobia isolates. Healing requires connection.

This might mean:

• Spending time in LGBTQ+ spaces

• Building friendships with other gay men

• Engaging with queer literature, art, or stories

• Letting yourself be seen and supported by people who understand

Connection helps replace old messages with new and affirming ones.

6. Explore Your History in Therapy

While self reflection is powerful, internalized homophobia often has deep roots. Some are tied to trauma, rejection, or years of hiding.

Therapy gives you space to slow down and explore your history at your own pace. A therapist can help you understand where beliefs originated and work through shame and fear, emerging more confident in your own identity.

7. Celebrate Your Authenticity

Healing internalized homophobia isn’t just about reducing shame. It’s about finding joy.

When you begin to see yourself clearly, without old filters, you make room for pride, pleasure, freedom, hope, and self compassion.

You deserve to feel at home in yourself. You deserve relationships that nourish you. You deserve to take up space.

This isn’t about becoming someone new. It’s about becoming someone more you.

You Don’t Have to Do This Work Alone

Internalized homophobia can feel like a private struggle, but it doesn’t need to be. Therapy can support you in understanding your story, reconnecting with yourself, and building the life and relationships you want.

I offer in-person therapy for gay men and LGBTQ+ adults in Washington, DC and surrounding areas. If you’re curious about starting therapy, explore common FAQs or reach out for a free consultation. We can talk about what you’re experiencing and whether working together feels like a good fit.

You deserve a life shaped by authenticity, connection, and joy, not the echoes of other people’s fears.

Dr. Wayne Bullock is a compassionate, experienced, and licensed counselor in Washington D.C. focused on the needs of gay men and the LGBTQ community. Specialties include the treatment of trauma, depression, anxiety, and sex therapy.